bittersweet

Current Song: 'Time Is Running Out' by Muse.

So I'm back behind the computer again. After the four most amazing days ever, I'm back behind the fucking computer.

John is amazing and wonderful and sweet and funny and just absolutely everything that I want. I went to Timblin for two fantastic days with him, his sister, and his mom. His mom's really nice and his sister is just such a cool chick. We spent the two days swimming and talking and having a really great time. I even got to see Punxsutawney with all its hokey groundhog statues.

After two days, I didn't want to go home, but I managed to get John to come back here with me for another two days. Back here, we swam and talked and hung out with Ralph and Devin. Everything was so perfect and excellent. I got along with his sister well and he got along with Ralph and Devin well.

I called off Friday, and though I couldn't justify calling off today, I still got to spend a few hours with him before I had to take him to Butler to catch a ride home.

We were so right. What we had together online was more than worth pursuing. I haven't been so happy and so content and so completely crazy about someone... ever. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Today was hard though. Excruciatingly hard. Think what you will, but I really just feel like crying right now. I feel almost lost, like I'm drifting without anything to hold me in place. And when I go to bed tonight and I have to sleep without his arms around me and his breath in my ear... I think I am going to cry.

It's funny how some seemingly little things can have such an affect on a person's heartstrings. Like on Friday, when I had to wake up at 7:30 to call Mike and tell him I wasn't coming to work, I set my alarm and got up. After calling Mike, I went back to bed, and as soon as I pulled the covers back to crawl in, John, who wasn't even really awake, opened his arms and pulled me close. Finally someone who wants to hold me for a change, instead of wanting me to hold him.

So hopelessly addicted from that point on.

I don't know what's going to happen now though. Dad's made quite clear that I'm not making that drive again, at least until the car's fixed. And when I got back tonight, he remarked that I looked sad and proceeded with the other-fish-in-the-sea lecture.

But there's not. Not for me, not anymore. I don't even want to think about just how fucking hard this is going to be, and how pissed off he and I are going to be with each other now that we've met, now that we know what it could be like.

If I close my eyes, I can still remember... my fingers in his hair, his teeth on my neck...

I miss you so much already, hunny. So, so much.

omg omg omg!

Current Song: 'King Nothing' by Metallica.

It's finally gonna happen. Definitely. No excuses, no mishaps. I'm going to visit John on Wednesday, coming home on Thursday. So excited!

That being the best news of the day, let's move on to other good, but not as good stuff. I asked Mike for a raise today. He laughed at me. Considering how I allegedly screwed up last week with the parakeet thing, I suppose that's understandable. The conversation went a little something like this...

"Hey Mike. I know I recently screwed up, which might impact your decision on this, but... how 'bout a raise?"

*sidelong glance, followed by mad laughter*

"It's been seven months," I said, shrugging my shoulders.

"Has it really been that long?"

I nod. "Started in January."

"Wow. I try to give everyone raises every three or four months."

Yeah, bullshit. So, long story short, after all that, he said OK. No idea how much of a raise I'm getting, but at least it'll be something. Makes me happy.

And last but not least, Ralph, Devin, and I went down to the Burgh Bar tonight for wings, and though it was crowded, it was a lot of fun.

So... a good day today. I'm happy.

i've finally done it!

Current Song: 'Sarabande' by Escala

Yes, ladies and gents, my day has come at last. I beat Ralph in a game of pool. On purpose. And I don't mean I beat him, like, he scratched on the eight ball or anything stupid and beat himself. I mean: I. Beat. Him. All by myself! Booyah Grandma!

In fact, I almost beat him the first game, but something stupid happened. I had him beat, I really did. I had a fairly easy shot on the eight ball in the side pocket, I called it, and then Ralph said, "You're doing what?" He thought it would be easier for me to sink it in the corner pocket, so after looking at it again, I decided he was right. Called it in the corner, lined up my shot... and fucking sank it in the side. *mutters* I betcha any money I couldn't do that one again if I tried.

Oh well. I got my revenge. I won the second game. 'Course then the guy that I played next really kicked my ass. He has a birth defect such that he was born with only one finger on each of his hands, but he freaking rocks at pool. I haven't seen him lose yet. Plus, he helped me out on a couple of shots that I wasn't sure what to do with, so that's cool.

And there's this older gentleman that always comes down, watches everyone play pool, and mutters about their shitty game. The only one of 'our crowd' that he'll actually play is Ralph, and he's kind of an asshole about it too. But while I was playing my second game with Ralph, I heard him say, "Wow, you must be one hell of a teacher, Ralph. She's gotten a whole lot better."

Yeah, dude. Way to compliment Ralph on my improving game. Ass.

And in other news--other much more exciting news, I might add--I might get to go hang out with John one of these days pretty soon here. He did end up moving near Punxsutawney, which sucks, but there is an upside--I can finally spell 'Punxsutawney' without having to google it. Thank god for small miracles, right?

Seriously though, I'm so excited about meeting him. If he's even half as amazing as he is online, I'll be more happy than I have words for. I've never wanted to meet an online person as much I want to meet him. Never, ever.

bad fucking terrible miserable wretch of a goddamned bitch ass day

Work was sooooo much fun today, let me tell you. And it's only going to get better in the next few weeks. Bleh.

See, what you need to know here is that me and Dan worked together yesterday. Just the two of us, doing everything, all day. So basically, we were short-handed no matter what, since we were so busy. And, as it happened, I found a dead parakeet in the morning, and our feeder fish had been dropping like flies all day.

Well, apparently, this morning all the feeder fish were dead and there were three more dead parakeets. Somehow that's mine and Dan's fault. I didn't know any of this when I got to work.

I got there a little early and found Dan outside smoking a cigarette. My greeting from him was, "Hi Steph, come take a walk with me." So I followed him around the back of the building where he warned me of what was coming. Said Roe texted him to say that Mike was on a rampage because of the parakeets and feeder fish. So, Dan who had previously told me that he had a job interview this morning, said that if Mike flew off the handle with him, he was going to fly off the handle right back and then walk out. (His interview went well this morning. He got the job.)

We went inside, and Dan found out that he'd suddenly got his hours cut. He was supposed to close Thursday with me, and now he's not. He's off. After a little while, he asked Mike what was up. Mike said, "Let's go get Steph."

A half hour later, Dan and I were finished being lectured about how the birds didn't get fed and how we should have done a second water change on the feeders. Mind you, it could have been a lot worse. I've seen the way Mike treats Dan (and Keelan, whom he's once reduced to tears), and he doesn't scream and flip out like that with me. Ever. I like to think I intimidate him, but I'm really not sure. I think he's just not sure yet if I'll just stand there and take it or if I'll clash heads with him. (Definitely the latter, by the way.)

Now, I didn't want to start throwing accusations around (because I know Mike wouldn't listen anyways) but firstly, that thing about the birds not being fed is bullshit. I watched Dan feed the parakeets yesterday, but apparently Erin (second in command to Mike) told him there was no food in their bowls this morning when she opened.

My only conclusion here is that Erin lied, and I have no idea why. To cover her own ass, maybe, because Mike freaks out on her too. It's still bullshit though, and it pissed me off more than a little that she acted like it was no big thing.

And secondly to this stupid didn't-feed-the-birds accusation, I was sooooo fucking tempted to let Mike in on the fact that Erin forgets to feed ALL the animals several times per week. I can't even count how many times I've come in at noon and found all the dishes and water bottles empty, and you can't tell me that four mice ate a huge bowl of food and drank 16 ounces of water in three hours. And never mind the dead, emaciated bearded dragon I pulled out of one of the breeder tanks last week. Or the rat that has a massive tumor that no one is doing anything about.

Whatever. I think that store would go out of business without so much fucking drama going on all the time.

So a little while later, Dan put in his two weeks notice, further pissed off Mike, and apparently everyone else except me. I mean, I'm a little bummed out that he's leaving because he's my favorite person there, but I don't blame him one bit for wanting the hell out of there, considering the way he's treated.

Erin and Roe didn't talk to him at all the rest of the day. Erin especially would come over to where Dan and I were clipping cat nails or stacking dog food and talk to me but very pointedly say nothing to him. So Dan was pissed off for their curtness, and I was pissed off for being used as a mechanism for pissing Dan off.

And for reasons unknown, Mike was joking around with me the rest of the day. What the hell? You bitch at me then want to make jokes? WTF?

Everything got a lot better after Mike left, and once again, it was just me and Dan. But fuck... Keelan's leaving at the end of the month, and Dan is leaving in two weeks. Yeah, I'll get promoted because of this (but probably won't get a raise 'cause Mike's the cheapest man alive). Plus, Keelan and Dan are the only two people that I consider 'friends' at that damn store.

I need a new job. *sigh*

life is complicated right now

I've gone back and forth on blogging this for awhile now, but what the hell? If nothing else, it might help get some of it off my chest.

See, there's this guy I've been talking to lately. His name's John. I met him online a few months ago. We emailed each other a little bit, then just recently, we started talking on AIM. And, for lack of a better way of putting it, we get along really, really well. Those of you that talk to me on instant messenger probably know that long conversations with me usually don't happen on that particular medium. Occasionally, yes. Not often.

Well, John and I have talked every night for the last week, usually averaging about 5-8 hours per chat. Like, constant chat. Not one of those talk-for-a-little-while, do-other-stuff, then-talk-some-more kind of things.

Suffice it to say, I really like him. We both think that whatever it is we have has a lot of potential to be something more. Which brings me to my first hurdle...

He's been living in Midway. That's about an hour away from here. All things considered, that's not such a huge hurdle. Problem is, my car's still not fixed yet. The muffler's still falling off and something's really, really wrong with the front left tire. I don't want to risk driving out of town in case the wheel falls off and I end up stranded. Yes, it's that bad.

Hurdle number two: He doesn't have a license. I'd have to do the driving, which really isn't a problem after my car's fixed. But until it's fixed, we're pretty much stuck in limbo.

Then, massive hurdle number three, all hell broke loose today on his end. I'll spare you all the details, but let's say that the asshole they (John, his sister, and his mom) were staying with kicked them out for no really good reason. So now they literally have nowhere to stay for the time being.

Among their options, one of them is moving to a place near Punxsutawney (you know, Ground Hog Day?), which is about two hours away. FML.

However, as bummed out as that makes me, I still wanna try it. When I say I really like this guy, I mean it. A whole lot. Plus, there is a little good that's come out of all this. When I got home from work, he'd left me messages on AIM to tell me what had happened. Not long after that, he called. That phone call made me really happy, even considering the circumstances.

Not cool that our first phone conversation came with a disaster, but cool that our first phone conversation did indeed come.

So I'm bummed out, concerned, and giddy happy all in one. It's a very uncomfortable sort of feeling.

But yeah, that's where I'm at right now. Still not sure I want to post all this, but whatever. Post!

today is not a good day

I have to get rid of the bunny. Allergy shots or not, I barely sleep at night anymore due to constant coughing and sneezing. There's nowhere in the house we can put her, and I don't feel like it's fair to her to stuff her in a cage outside somewhere. It's not what she's used to, and not what she deserves.

I just sent an email to the shelter I got her from, and although I offered to foster her until they find her a new home, it's just a matter of time.

:(

i hate hotmail and the whole male gender

Hotmail closed my account last night, said I was a spammer. Not my MSN account, no. Not the one that doesn't matter. Instead, they close the one I use to submit writing. So, for as long as they keep it shut off (I've emailed them), I could be getting rejections and not know it. And don't even get me started on what if I should happen to get an acceptance while this nonsense is going on. I hate Hotmail.

I also hate anyone who happens to possess the Y chromosome right now. The ones I'm interested in are not interested in me, but the ones I have no interest in are all over me. Sometimes literally.

The minor irritation here is that the guy I've been talking to for awhile is apparently annoyed with me that I didn't call him last night before he went out. So now he's not talking to me. Gosh, sorry I waited so that I could actually give you my full attention. I won't make that mistake again. Meh.

The slightly bigger issue is that some guy licked my ear at work today. Sure, I bullshit with him when he comes in, but what the hell? He just walked up behind me and licked my ear. That's just... gross. I actually went and washed my ear afterwards. Grr.

And most annoyingly of all, Hans bought the movie 'A History of Violence' a couple months ago. Because he hasn't figured it out yet, he told me when he bought the movie, "I'm going to wait to watch it till you come back because I know you like Viggo Mortensen."

I told him to watch the damn movie.

Well, I got home from work today to find the following messages waiting for me:

Fyrsten says:
I dreamt that I was visiting you in the states, that was fun
Fyrsten says:
and I havent watched the viggo mortensen movie yet

I'm sick of the whole freakin' thing.

Do you know why so many people bitch about their horrible exes? (OK, some of them really are horrible), but it's also because stupid people have no clue when it comes to niceties and subtlety, so the whole 'let's just be friends' thing never works. The only way we can get you to leave us the hell alone is to tell you to fuck off and go die in a hole somewhere.

Gah!