bittersweet

Current Song: 'Time Is Running Out' by Muse.

So I'm back behind the computer again. After the four most amazing days ever, I'm back behind the fucking computer.

John is amazing and wonderful and sweet and funny and just absolutely everything that I want. I went to Timblin for two fantastic days with him, his sister, and his mom. His mom's really nice and his sister is just such a cool chick. We spent the two days swimming and talking and having a really great time. I even got to see Punxsutawney with all its hokey groundhog statues.

After two days, I didn't want to go home, but I managed to get John to come back here with me for another two days. Back here, we swam and talked and hung out with Ralph and Devin. Everything was so perfect and excellent. I got along with his sister well and he got along with Ralph and Devin well.

I called off Friday, and though I couldn't justify calling off today, I still got to spend a few hours with him before I had to take him to Butler to catch a ride home.

We were so right. What we had together online was more than worth pursuing. I haven't been so happy and so content and so completely crazy about someone... ever. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Today was hard though. Excruciatingly hard. Think what you will, but I really just feel like crying right now. I feel almost lost, like I'm drifting without anything to hold me in place. And when I go to bed tonight and I have to sleep without his arms around me and his breath in my ear... I think I am going to cry.

It's funny how some seemingly little things can have such an affect on a person's heartstrings. Like on Friday, when I had to wake up at 7:30 to call Mike and tell him I wasn't coming to work, I set my alarm and got up. After calling Mike, I went back to bed, and as soon as I pulled the covers back to crawl in, John, who wasn't even really awake, opened his arms and pulled me close. Finally someone who wants to hold me for a change, instead of wanting me to hold him.

So hopelessly addicted from that point on.

I don't know what's going to happen now though. Dad's made quite clear that I'm not making that drive again, at least until the car's fixed. And when I got back tonight, he remarked that I looked sad and proceeded with the other-fish-in-the-sea lecture.

But there's not. Not for me, not anymore. I don't even want to think about just how fucking hard this is going to be, and how pissed off he and I are going to be with each other now that we've met, now that we know what it could be like.

If I close my eyes, I can still remember... my fingers in his hair, his teeth on my neck...

I miss you so much already, hunny. So, so much.